


Confessions of an Angel

by TheSandGirl



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 08:46:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4660188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSandGirl/pseuds/TheSandGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A decade full of lingering touches, embraces, whispers, smiles and tears, all tightly intertwined with so much adoration, devotion and love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions of an Angel

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic for the JYJ fandom. Finally, I'd say. Took me more than a year to finish, with all the research and everything, but as Chun's enlistment was approaching I felt like I should definitely finish it. It was like a sign or something.  
> I'm very grateful to my betas [Cherryinvain](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryinvain/pseuds/cherryinvain) and [Jaejeonhwan](http://jaejeonhwan.livejournal.com/), and everybody who has encouraged me throughtout the past year. And of course a big thank you to JYJ for being the amazing people they are. Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu, I'll be waiting for your return. Well enough of my ramblings, I hope you'll enjoy this fic!

The ground underneath my trainers is shaking. The screams and chanting of those around us is deafening. My eyes are almost blinded by the fire in front of me despite the darkness. 

The Tokyo Dome stage. 

A place we wished to return to… 

And return we did. 

There was a time when I’d turn my head to the left and see Yoochun, but it is Jaejoong-hyung there instead. 

He’s not looking at me though. 

He is not looking at the crowd either. 

He doesn’t see the thousands and thousands of the red bright lights surrounding us burning like a flame, for he’s the blindest of us all. He and Yoochunnie, that is. I’d tell them to stop, but they wouldn’t notice. Once they catch each other’s eyes, they get lost in their own world. 

A world that can’t be broken into regardless of how much you try. 

And God knows others have tried.

#### June 2003, SM dormitory

I still remember the day they got caught in this trance for the first time. A time when our dreams were higher than our own heights, when we thought we were invincible, despite the nervous feelings in the pits of our stomachs. When everything was so much easier. 

Future was still very uncertain at that time. We didn’t know when we would debut, how, where, under what name, whether we would still be in the same line-up or all of these plans would dissipate just like 4 Seasons’ did. 

I must say I felt relieved when I was told that Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung would be in the same group with me. I had known the former for years and for a long while, believing he was my age, I got quite close to him. Finding out that he was older had shocked me a bit, and I found myself too shy to approach him first. Even to this day I don’t understand why; hyung’s advices and comforting hugs are still the warmest. 

With Yunho-hyung, it was a bit different. Not only had we clicked very quickly, but we had danced together a lot and his staying at my house helped us understand one another better. 

The two of them being on the same team with me was both a blessing and a curse; there was an ever present anxiety that things would change, that all of our plans and dreams would be ruined like a house of cards.

Changmin joined us at the worst time ever. So many trainees were either sent home or were quitting on their own. Yunho-hyung was especially stressed out. I still remember the coolness and determination with which he told Changmin to quit if he was there to just play around. 

Isn’t it strange how life turned out?

When we were first told about Yoochun, Jaejoong-hyung imagined him with blond hair, blue eyes and fair skin. I confess the rest of us were very curious ourselves as to how the new member would look like, so we kept pestering our manager with questions about him. 

“Just wait and see for yourselves,” he’d always answer.

The summer hyung first saw Yoochun had been unbearably hot. The heatwave which hit Seoul that June was merciless. I remember we were strewn around the common room in the SM dormitory, trying in vain to use old newspapers as fans, waiting for his arrival. As I was reaching for my almost empty bottle of water, manager-hyung came in and Yoochun trailed in after him wearing a colourful shirt, some rugged shorts and beach sandals. 

“Is he a Chinese action movie star?” Jaejoong-hyung whispered aloud, as the newcomer looked about our common room in wonder.

Yunho-hyung stood up quickly and pulled the rest of us with him. “It is nice to finally meet you.”

After exchanging the customary bows, we started studying Yoochun and he did the same with such intensity as if he was trying to memorise each and every single one of our features. He first looked at me, and I must say I wasn’t very impressed. I felt it was quite unfair that he would debut so quickly, whereas it took me almost seven years to do it. But for the sake of the team I wouldn’t treat him unkindly; my parents raised me better than that. 

While I was lost in my own thoughts, Yoochun had already studied Yunho-hyung and Changmin. What I caught instead was his gaze falling upon Jaejoong-hyung for the very first time.

Kim Jaejoong was said to look almost like an anime character come to life by both females and males alike. At first, seeing their fixed stares on each other, I thought it was because Yoochun was taken aback by hyung’s visuals, and to a certain extent that was indeed true, but there was something else to it. 

Something we could have never guessed; never imagined even. Something so deep, it almost resembled a bond made between similar souls. Something we couldn’t begin to understand back then; something I don’t fully understand even up to this day.

“Well, don’t just stand there. Offer the guy some water, it’s absolutely scalding outside.”

Broken from the spell, Jaejoong-hyung quickly came back to his senses and showed Yoochun where to sit, while Yunho-hyung went to retrieve another bottle of water like the manager told us. He was about to pass it over to Changmin who was seating closest to our new member, but Jaejoong quickly intercepted it and gave it to Yoochun himself.

“Here you go.” 

He said it with such reverence that Yoochun almost dropped the bottle, his eyes trained on hyung like he was dazed. 

And dazed he was.

#### Early 2004, DBSK dormitory

I remember the first time Jaejoong-hyung cooked for Yoochun. We had just come back to the dormitory after yet another rehearsal. Though we were completely tired, exhausted even, our goals and dreams pushed us to work harder and harder. Well, that and the nagging manager-hyung with the almost sadistic instructors.

Changmin went straight into the kitchen and after rummaging and perusing every single cupboard, stormed into the common room like a Tasmanian devil on a war path. He was walking back and forth in front of us, making me dizzy. 

“There’s no more ramyun, only products that I don’t even know what to do with!” Changmin screeched at the top of his lungs, and goodness gracious, what a pair of lungs those were.

“I can’t cook,” came from a surly looking Yoochun, who chose to sit between Jaejoong-hyung and me on the sofa ( _never mind it was a sofa with two seats only!_ ).

He kept throwing an encouraging look towards Jaejoong-hyung. Yoochun was trying to be subtle I guess, but Changmin didn’t even try. 

“You’re the oldest! You could cook for us,” he pointed a scrawny finger at Jaejoong-hyung, who narrowed his eyes.

“Am I really? I thought you had forgotten.”

“I want Bulgogi Chungol,” a drawn-out mumble came from beside me.

“I just want some food!”

“Hey-hey-hey, guys! We can’t make Jaejoongie cook for us every time there’s no ramyun,” – bless Yunho-hyung and his leadership – “but Bulgogi Chungol does sound really good,” – skills. 

Jaejoong-hyung narrowed his eyes some more. 

Yeah. 

_Better give up early._

“I know your sisters brought some Bulgogi last time!” our leader continued getting more excited by the second. 

“And I’ve never had any of Jaejoongie-hyung’s food before,” piped in Yoochun. “I really want to try some of hyung’s cooking.”

He worked the puppy eyes like a pro about to tear up. Whom was he kidding?

And yet… 

“I guess I could make some stew for you, but I’ve never tried cooking Bulgogi Chungol before. Just so you know.” 

Jaejoong-hyung’s eyes went all soft and caring.

Right.

Hyung had become very protective of Yoochun in a very short time. I must say, it was hard to resist his charms and I came to love him like a brother myself… except for when he acted all sly, like he did back then, squished between me and Jaejoong-hyung.

“I’m sure hyung’s food will be really good,” the puppy replied.

Hyung’s face lit up like a church on Easter. 

-

About 236 loud stomach growls later, our maknae was five seconds away from either bursting into tears or joining the beaver family and picking up on their wood gnawing habits. Thankfully the Bulgogi stew was finally ready and hyung called us to eat.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I was the second one at the table.

Don’t judge me. 

I was a growing adolescent, okay? I needed to eat as well! 

So yes, the food.

I guess for a first time, it was okay… -ish… -ish.

To hyung’s defence though, Yoochunnie did supervise the entire cooking process over Jaejoong-hyung’s shoulder. Looking back, I now realise he must’ve been truly nervous.

The vegetables were cooked to a vitamin-free state and the rice felt more like clay. But as they say ‘Never look a gift horse in the mouth’. The beef was edible, so we ate it as it was. Changmin definitely polished _his_ bowl.

Once we finished, stomachs no longer growling, Jaejoong-hyung looked at us expectantly. “So what do you think?”

“Definitely better than being hungry,” answered Yunho-hyung.

Yeah… the diplomacy thing. He had to work a bit more on that. And the sooner, the better, ‘cause Jaejoong-hyung promptly burst into tears. “But I did my best!”

Yoochun, ever the puppy, put his arm around hyung’s shoulder and squeezed it. “Don’t worry. It was really good.”

Yunho-hyung looked like he wanted to disagree, but a swift kick under the table from Yoochun made him change his mind.

Jaejoong-hyung no longer crying, but still sniffing, raised his head looking first at Yoochun and then at Changminnie and me. 

“Really?”

_Nod._

“You really think so?”

_Another nod._

“I’m so glad!” he half-sniffled half-smiled.

#### December 2004, M.net KM backstage

I remember seeing their couple rings for the first time – the first version of them anyway. They either got lost or somebody took a few of them by mistake along the years. Heavens know _that_ hadn’t gone well at all.

I was practicing the choreography for Tri-Angle once again with Yunho-hyung. 

When one of us started the routine, the other would definitely join in. What can I say; we had always been a bit competitive like that.

Changmin was near the dressing tables trying to pity a coordi-noona into giving him half of her steamed bun, and Jaejoong-hyung with Yoochun were missing. 

_Again._

By then, we had lost them about four times at different broadcasting stations that year. Manager-hyung and some coordi-noonas were even competing on who would find them quicker. It was just a matter of time till they started their scavenger hunt.

Imagine their surprise when the both of them came back to the dressing room on their own with no third party assistance. Giggling, eyes alight with mischief; they sat on the chairs to my right, and started perusing the room as if everything was completely fine.

A glance towards the manager told me that everything was indeed _not_ fine at all, but his need-to-know-only rule made him turn a blind eye. There’s a saying to never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you. 

I must have been really bored and looking for trouble because once the last round of moves was completed I went straight to the giggling pair.

“Awww, look who’s here,” exclaimed an over-the-top exuberant Jaejoong-hyung, “our Junsu-yah!”

Five seconds later and I found myself ensconced in a warm embrace of flannel clothes and hair spray. Then he let go of me and giggled again, yet something was smelly there. 

And it wasn’t the hair spray.

He took my hands, his on top of mine and started moving back and forth like a child, giddy with happiness. “I’m just really happy, Junsu-yah. Isn’t that right, Yoochunnie?”

Yoochun just smirked at him in return and nodded his head making the entire vermicelli dish on his head move along.

Definitely something smelly. 

Jaejoong-hyung just laughed at my sceptical look and started moving our hands up and down. I finally looked at our joined hands trying to break free when I saw _it_.

A thick golden band was adorning his right-hand ring finger.

A glance at Yoochun’s own hand, and yep, surely enough, a twin ring was there.

“Hyung, aren’t you and Yunho-hyung part of 2U? Wearing couple rings with Jaejoong-hyung isn’t being consistent!” 

His greasy smile was all I got in return and so Jaejoong-hyung translated for me, all smiles and sparkles, “If there’s an official couple, there should be an unofficial couple as well! Us! It’s like common sense, Junsu-yah!”

_As much common sense as a cactus._

Fortunately for them, or more likely for me, we were called for a final rehearsal before our performance, so I didn’t get to voice my opinion. Not that it mattered much anyway.

Insert a heavy sigh there. _Why did I even bother?_

#### 2005 – early 2006, Tohoshinki’s dormitory

Those two years in Japan had been tough. Exceptionally tough at first. A foreign country, with a foreign culture, and foreign food, not to mention the foreign language. I had never been one to give up, but those experiences had truly tested our spirit and patience.

Yoochun, in particular, had a really hard time adjusting. And we all saw it. 

He longed for his family. 

At least in Korea he still had some relatives; Jaejoong-hyung’s family had become his own too. It was home. But as if it wasn’t enough, even that had been taken away from him.

Japan seemed unforgivingly cold the winter we first stepped on its land.

Everybody talked to us in a language we barely understood. “It’s so you get used to it quicker,” they said, but we felt more alienated than ever.

Once we got to our new dormitory and it was time we chose a room, without any further ado, Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochun chose a room together yet again. 

_Surprise there._

Their room had the wider windows, and I bet it was so they could smoke and not get caught. Heavens be witness, they had been admonished enough for that. 

While we were there, the days passed by slowly yet very quickly at the same time. 

The first to notice the changes in Yoochun had of course been Jaejoong-hyung. In due time, the rest of us started noticing as well. He became more morose; the songs he wrote were derived of happiness and just screamed _MORBID_. He ate less, dressed in whatever hyung chose for him and seemed detached. I saw him genuinely smile only during the brief phone calls to his family, or when Jaejoong-hyung did something silly.

Going back to Korea helped a lot; he had become the same old slightly-crazy yet completely normal Yoochun. But another winter in Japan a year later and things went back to what they had been: the start of a deep-rooted depression and the struggle to keep on being confident for the next Japanese release. 

I still remember when things changed.

It was late at night. Yoochun and Jaejoong-hyung were seating on the sofa, softly whispering to each other. Changminnie and Yunho-hyung had been asleep for some time, while I was playing with Junho-hyung on the Internet trying to keep my mind away from food.

I was really hungry. 

Another album release meant dieting, and unlike the others, as soon as I ate something fattening at night, I would resemble a Porcupine Pufferfish the next day. So going hungry it was. 

I was trying out a new game tactic hyung had told me about when a sudden movement caught my eye: getting up from the sofa, Jaejoong-hyung patted Yoochun’s thigh. “I’ll prepare some nice Korean food to make you feel at home, okay?”

He smiled in return and followed hyung into the kitchen connected to the living-room.

I could hear pans and dishes being retrieved from cupboards, packages being ripped open and cutlery taken out. A bit later, the flat was filled with the delicious smell of Dubu Kimchi. 

I could almost taste the stir-fried kimchi and tofu on my tongue. My stomach rumbled in distress. Just to be clear, Jaejoong-hyung had improved by leaps and bounds in the cooking department.

I left the console on the floor and followed the scent to its source. Hunger could do that to you.

As I was about to step into the kitchen, I saw Yoochun heartily tucking in, a wide smile on his face.

It must’ve been really good, and I really wanted some. But watching how they looked at each other, with complete adoration and admiration in their eyes, I realised that it hadn’t been the food itself that made Yoochun happy.

I went to sleep hungry that night; one of the many.

#### 21 November 2006, the 8th Korea-China Song Festival

Trouble, they say, never comes alone. The last months of 2006 were just a long string of events I don’t want to remember, and yet nothing could erase them from my memory.

I remember the _horror_ when Yunho-hyung coughed up blood after drinking from that damned poisoned water bottle; the _fear_ while waiting at the hospital; the _rage_ when SM told us they wouldn’t sue that anti-fan; lastly the _pain_ when we realised Yunho-hyung’s voice would never be the same and neither would be his spirit.

And just as we were trying to get ourselves together, shocking news hit us like a wave crashing against rocks: a 49-year-old Mr. Han claimed he was Jaejoong-hyung’s biological father. He had demanded to be recognised as hyung’s lawful father, thinking of his well-being. _What a joke._ If he had ever cared about hyung, he wouldn’t have gone to the press or to the court as he had done back then.

I remember our manager coming into our changing room at the Korea-China Song Festival before our rehearsals started. He immediately went to Jaejoong-hyung and with a tense voice asked him to come to the cafeteria; there were news on the TV hyung needed to look at. I remember the curiosity and the confusion we felt as we trailed after the two of them. But what I remember best is the panic plainly written all over hyung’s face as the news programme announced that he was adopted; panic that was mirrored in our own hearts as well.

Actually, we had known about it for a couple of years. His adoptive parents thought it better to reveal the truth, not to mention SM managers demanded it. Hyung cried at that time; his eyes were bloodshot as he came back into the dormitory and straight into Yoochun’s arms. But this was different. Everybody finding out about it was the last thing hyung wanted, and yet his own father had announced it to the world and even had a hearing at Deojun Court set in a few days later.

It goes without saying that he was very upset during the rehearsals. Thankfully we weren’t required to smile in neither of our performances at the festival and as we performed _I’ll be there_ , Jaejoong-hyung poured all the anguish and pain he felt into his singing. 

At the end of the festival however, during the final all artists’ assembly, I saw Yoochun throwing worried glances towards him. Hyung’s mask was slipping bit by bit, and in the end Yoochun decided to do something to cheer him up. I remember very well how hyung’s frown turned into a pout and then a little smile as Yoochun started “sword fighting” with their paper flags. 

I also remember that once we had finally left the stage, the two of them instantly grabbed at each other’s shoulder in a half hug. I felt like I also needed to reassure hyung so I approached them and clasped his other hand. He turned towards me and as his eyes shone with the same affection and warmth; I felt alleviated. As long as we were there, hyung would be fine.

-

If only the bad luck streak had ended there.

In a bit more than a month, on the very first day of 2007 as we were about to enter our dormitory having filmed the Korea Gayo Big Festival for MBC, Yunho-hyung got a call from our manager. Once it ended, I remember his face was completely pale.

“We need to go the hospital right now.”

“What? What happened?” I quickly asked as we started running back to the car.

Hospitals were never a good thing. We went to the hospital quite frequently but never for prolonged times. If we needed to go there, it meant somebody was hurt. Very hurt.

“Jaejoongie and Yoochunnie got into an accident. They tried to get away from sasaengs.” Seeing Changmin and I stopping in our tracks from the shock, he quickly went to add, “But they’re not dead! Let’s go quickly; driver-hyung should still be there.”

As the three of us clasped our shaking hands together at the back of the car, I prayed for their well-being. 

And prayed and prayed… 

I hadn’t stopped praying till I saw with my own two eyes that their biggest injuries were a few scrapes here and there. They were holding each other’s hands afraid to let go, which I found most normal, and yet after noticing their completely shaken expressions, for the first time I truly started feeling fear.

Fear of our own fans. If sasaengs could be called as such.

#### Mid – 2007, Recording of the AADBSK 2 Couple Talk: ChunJae

Unknown to others, out of _All About DBSK_ series, couple talks were among my favourites. We chatted a lot as it was, since we spent so much time together between the five of us, but couple talks would let us explore new sides of our relationships. And there were no scripts so it felt genuine, and therefore undeniably real. The only thing I wasn’t sure about was the Soulmate talk. Those two could have ended up disclosing a bit too much, and so the rest of us decided to stay on the set. 

For unpredictable force majeure situations of course. 

I remember it started out innocent enough, talking about their couple name as Soulmates, always sharing a room, being their cheesy trolling selves. They even managed to get the staff applaud for them.

But then they started talking about being the genius couple with similar O blood type, having same size bodies, and I knew things would go downhill from there and that we needed to intervene. Immediately.

“We have the same size: our shoulders, waist size, height, even shoe size are about the same! Our body is so much alike that when I do not have clothes, I wear Yoochunnie’s clothes and vice versa. That’s why we share the same room. Our beds, blankets, pillows are the same size too. Same-sized chair and desk. Everything we have is the same,” hyung finished with a beaming smile on his face.

“Did they just announce to everyone that they sleep in the same bed?” 

Near me, Yunho-hyung kept shaking his head and Changmin made a gagging face.

“Next they’ll say they use the same shower or underwear.”

“With these two, I’ll die from diabetes before I’m thirty.”

“We are still touring! You can’t die until then,” said a frantic Yunho-hyung and dragged out our maknae for presumably a check-up.

In the meantime, the soulmate couple had moved onto praising each other’s genius for getting the best clothes and that’s when I saw an opening. I quickly went onto the stage under the incredulous looks from the staff.

“I am the victim. I have suffered the most!”

The two trolls were as welcoming as ever, all smiles and jabs. I even felt a bit apologetic for bugging in, but it needed to be done. I was on a ChunJae damage control mission. 

After the shooting wrapped up, Jaejoong-hyung went straight towards me, dragging a smirking Yoochun after him. Hyung wrapped me in his warm embrace and even kissed me on the hair.

“Junsu-yah, this hyung loves you a lot even if he steals the best outfits, you know that right?” 

I looked over his shoulder at Yoochun, and he started making kissy faces at me then embraced the two of us as well.

“Yeah, Su, next time we’ll let you choose the clothes first. We promise.”

And though I knew those two were trolling me again, I couldn’t help surrendering to the warmth they radiated.

“You’d better or I’ll dilute all your secret stash of soju with coconut water.”

#### January 2008, Tohoshinki’s flat in Meguro

The chemistry between Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochun had always been amazing; they thought the same way, they created music that complemented each other, and they wore the same clothes. Not to mention, the two did almost everything together: tease each other, tease others even more, cause mischief, mope around, compose and go on their usual road trips at night. They even shared the same circle of friends, hyung being the networker and Yoochun just hanging around him.

I remember the first time they had a fight – an actual fight that involved silent angry stares and ignoring each other. Along the years, we all had witnessed their bickering, “Hyung, I wanted to wear those!”, “What is yours is mine, and what is mine is yours, Chun-ah”, “Even the pyjamas?!”, “ _Especially_ the pyjamas”, but they were always surface-deep, there were no hurt feelings. Not until that night in January, during the _Kiss Shita Mama Sayonara_ promotions. 

They had left all excited to meet some Japanese friends of theirs, and usually after such gatherings, they’d come back more or less drunk, giggling, very touchy and would either fall asleep on any horizontal surface in a puppy pile, independent of how comfortable it was, or they would go straight into the music room and compose. As straight as their drunken state allowed anyway. 

Yunho-hyung was still out with our manager, and I was reading some manga with a half-dozing Changmin in the living room, when Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochun came back. Sober. 

There was no giggling, no touching, nothing but tension and heated stares that gave me the chills; stares heated with _anger_. Them being at odds with each other was just so alien, I didn’t even know what to do but try following after them to understand what had happened. All I got for my efforts was a shut door in the face.

I thought of leaving, but then they started speaking, and the house was so silent I could hear every single thing, including the annoyed inflections of their voices.

“Did you really have to kiss him? On the lips?” I heard Yoochun say curtly.

“What’s it to _you_? It was just a game, and it’s not like I’m in a committed relationship!” hyung retorted back.

The way it was going it seemed like at last they would confess their feelings to each other. And in all honesty, I prayed for it to happen.

_Perhaps now we can get some peace of mind._

“No, you’re right. It’s nothing to me.”

_Or not._

Yoochun opened the door, found me gaping at him and passed by without even saying a word. Next thing I heard was the loud theme from a variety TV show along with maknae’s complaints. I looked back at hyung, trying to talk to him, but he was already sprawled on his bed, heavy rock sounds coming from the headphones on his head.

Yoochun hadn’t returned to their room until the break of dawn. I remember that; I hadn’t been able to properly sleep worrying about those two.

As expected, breakfast was a very awkward affair that morning.

The two of them were picking at the food, maknae was eating enthusiastically while trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes, and Yunho-hyung was going through that day’s schedule as usual. But when he realised that neither Jaejoong-hyung nor Yoochun were making any sarcastic or inappropriate comments, he stopped reading, worriedly looked at them and then threw me a look. 

_What happened?_

I shook my head.

_Don’t ask._

He took another glance at them, sighed, and resumed telling us about the video we were shooting that morning.

If breakfast had been awkward, the video recording was even worse.

Yoochun was sitting back on the sofa, only talking to me, and throwing puppy glances at Jaejoong-hyung; he in turn was sitting as close to Changmin and as far from Yoochun as possible, trying his hardest to remember he _wasn’t supposed_ to keep touching Yoochun like he always did since they had a cold war going; maknae had no idea whatsoever what was happening yet he could feel there was an unspoken elephant in the room; Yunho-hyung on the other hand tried to act as normal as possible, as if to forget that said elephant even existed; and I – I just tried to make those two talk to each other so the fans wouldn’t pick on the awkwardness either. 

Or the agency, for that matter.

By the end of a tiring day full of tension, as soon as we got home, Yunho-hyung gave the two of them some sake, a pack of cigarettes, a big warm blanket and locked them on the balcony.

“Until you talk this out, you’re not getting in.”

Later on, we found the pair wrapped in the blanket like a giant human gimbap, seeping from their sake bottle and sharing a cigarette. 

They hadn’t confessed to each other, but they hadn’t killed each other either. 

_Apocalypse averted._

#### Summer 2008, DBSK dormitory

Most of 2008 was a bit of a blur to me. A blur of flights, recordings, countless faces, sleepless nights, and take-away lunches. 

But I remember the concerts.

And the exhaustion. An exhaustion that seeped through our bones and spirits, yet we had to keep on smiling. We had to endure. Yunho-hyung was trying to be strong for the group. “That is the price we have to pay, guys. We can do it, I know we can. We’re the Gods rising from the East. Just a bit more effort,” he’d say, but as we quickly found out, we were no deities.

SM’s ambitions for us were limited by our very human – prone to burning out – bodies.

After a few weeks of going back and forth around Asia at the start of the summer, I could feel my conviction weaning. The number and size of our concerts were constantly increasing, yet our pay stayed exactly the same – little. _Ridiculously_ little.

As our frustrations got worse, a poisoning tension started making its way into our hearts. I feared what this tension could do to us, to what the five of us were and represented. Everybody could feel it, even the fans – judging from the fan site panels, but not our management. _Never_ the management.

 _Will things ever change?_ I started asking myself more and more often. Deep down I had the answer, and I hated it. 

_Nothing will ever change. Not unless something is done about it._

Such thoughts would steal away the few hours of sleep we were given. But I had never dwelled much on the negative things in my life, so I came to terms with what needed to be done very quickly. I knew that the best thing to do was talk to somebody, and I knew exactly who that somebody was. Well, technically there were two somebodies. But since they seemed to share a brain, Jaejoongie-hyung it was.

Finding a suitable time for a private discussion proved to be a bit trickier than I thought at first, especially in the middle of a tour when we spent pretty much all of our time rehearsing together. 

Tricky, but not impossible.

I got back to the dormitory after some additional practice sessions, to find it quiet and dark. At first I thought I was the only one at home, but then I heard somebody using the shower and soft noises coming from Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochun’s room. 

Knocking on the door, I entered the room to find hyung sprawled on the bed and enjoying some music. He smiled at me and motioned for me to lie next to him on the bed. As soon as I did, hyung put his arm around me.

“Have you eaten, Su-ah?”

At my headshake, he smiled. “Shall I make something delicious for us? Yoochunnie is in the shower now, and Changminnie and Yunho should be coming home soon too. I’m sure all of us will be starving by then. We could have a bit of soju too.”

And though homemade food did sound very appealing to me, that wasn’t the reason I came to him. Not that evening anyway.

“Hyung, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

My voice sounded huskier than usual, perhaps because of the almost continuous singing we had been doing for that past two months, but it still made Jaejoongie-hyung look at me worriedly.

“Is everything okay, Junsu-yah?”

“No, hyung, not really. I mean the way we are right now is not okay at all, is it?” I didn’t know how to else to put it, so I fell silent.

Yet his gaze became more sympathetic; as if he understood me without any further explanations needed.

“You are tired, aren’t you, Junsu-yah?”

I nodded, so he continued. 

“Tired of SM?”

“It will always be like this, right, hyung?”

“Yes. Always,” he answered jadedly and snuggled in closer.

“Can’t we do something then?”

“We can, but it will be a dangerous road, Junsu-yah. We might never be able to sing on a stage again. It happened to the hyungs from HOT. It happened to the hyungs from Shinhwa too. They _told_ us it would happen. We need to be careful. Very careful.”

Dangerous as it was, hyung said _we_ and that was all that mattered to me. 

“So you would leave, too?”

He smiled at me as if I were a small unexperienced child. “I would never leave without our Su.”

“And Yoochunnie?”

His smile got even wider, “That goes without saying, Junsu-yah.”

That made me smile too.

“Can’t we do it like the Shinhwa hyungs had done? If all of us leave, we can get through this. Right, hyung?”

He didn’t reply back.

Neither he nor I could voice the doubt that sprang into our thoughts. _Would_ all of us leave?

As we pondered over that question, Yoochunnie came into the room, half-naked and dripping wet. Hyung’s attention focused right on him drinking it all in, almost as if he wanted to map Yoochunnie’s body.

_He probably will, if you ask him._

“Oh, Su, you’re home already?” Yoochun asked as he turned his back to us, looking for clothes in his wardrobe. As the TVXQ tattoo on his back came into full view, hyung’s breath grew sharp. 

_Seriously? A fetish for tattoos?_

I shook my head trying to clear my head; we had more pressing matters. The sooner they were addressed, the better.

“Yeah, Jihoon-hyung let me go a bit early. I think he has got a date.”

“Jihoon-hyung has?” asked a more composed Jaejoong barely stifling a laugh. “I bet it’s that coordi-noona for SuJu. He always gets the moony eyes when he sees her.” 

Yoochunnie started chuckling himself, and after putting on his shorts and shirt he joined us on the bed, squeezing in on the other side of hyung.

“So if it’s just Jihoon-hyung and his overdue date, why those long faces when I came in? Did something happen?”

Since they were practically telepathic, I let Jaejoongie-hyung answer that one. “Yoochun-ah, how do you feel about leaving?”

Hyung didn’t even need to mention that it was SM we were thinking of leaving. Yoochun just knew.

“It’s going to be hard. Very hard. But if we decide to do it, I’ll be with you till the end.”

And it was exactly at that point that things became real and a thought turned into action.

Our next step was to talk to Yunho-hyung and Changminnie. We said we’d also discuss with the management if we could improve our situation, but we all felt our pleas would fall on deaf ears. It still had to be done though. If nothing changed, we would have to find out more information about penalty fees, lawsuits and such, re-read the contract, find a lawyer and start putting together the case.

A difficult path was ahead of us. On that day we made a promise to stay together no matter how many obstacles were thrown our way. I intended on keeping that promise no matter what. And keep it I did.

 _We_ did.

#### 6th August 2009, My parents’ house

If anybody ever wants to file a lawsuit against a powerhouse, my advice to them would be to make sure that’s what they wanted. And to be strong. Be very, _very_ strong.

Jaejoongie-hyung, Yoochunnie and I. 

In the end, after so many discussions and meetings, it was only the three of us. There _was_ an “us”. That alone made me smile for I wasn’t on my own, that burden wasn’t only mine to carry. We became each other’s strength. Though the lawsuit was bound to get ugly, we couldn’t let that crush our spirits.

During that crazy time, while everybody had some kind of project going on for them, be it filming dramas or about to start promoting singles, I threw myself into putting Yongpil-hyung and my idea into reality – opening a Pho restaurant. It was supposed to open in about a month so I completely threw myself into it; I needed some kind of distraction and the restaurant was the best solution. Not to mention who knew what my future as a singer would be like. I worked on it every single day without fail. It was better to hold meetings with either Youngpil-hyung or the developers, or even the future staff, than being at the mercy of my thoughts.

I remember being rudely woken up in the middle of the night after a long and tiring day full of meetings and budget discussions. Thankfully, the phone was on silent, otherwise it would’ve woken up the entire family.

Not even opening my eyes I started perusing the bed with my hand, trying to find the source of those annoying vibrations.

_Judging by its insistency it must be Jaejoongie-hyung._

You might not know about it, but he has got this habit of calling Yoochunnie or me whenever he feels like it. Unless he knows we’re working, it could be at any time during the day or night. Most of the time it would be to tell us how much he loves us, but there are times when he needs to hear it in return too. 

“What happened?” I asked with what I was sure sounded like a sleep-induced voice, not even waiting for the customary greetings and pleasantries. I was way too tired for that. 

“Junsu-yah, aren’t you happy to hear from your favourite hyung?”

“My favourite hyung is Junho.” 

“Awww, don’t be like that,” I could almost hear his pout through the phone. Tired and two-fifths-awake as I was, it still made me smile. “Can’t your hyung even call you?”

“In the middle of the night?!”

“Silly Junsu, it’s not the middle of the night anymore!”

“Ah, yes, it’s only,” I looked at my mobile phone, “Holy Mother of God, it’s 3.39am! Why are you calling me right now, hyung?!”

“Su-ah, guess what Yoochunnie and I did?” he asked giggling.

“Did you finally get married?”

“No, silly! Why would we do that? We got new matching tattoos!”

_Is. There. A. Difference?_

“It says _Always keep the faith_! Just above our hearts!” he finished laughing, and hung up. 

…

Right.

And when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

 _Is blindness contagious?_ I wondered.

I went back to sleep with that thought.

#### Late Oct 2009, My Pho restaurant

I know that most people think Jaejoongie-hyung is very confident in himself, be it his looks, his abilities or his charms, yet the reality is quite different. Yes, hyung always tries his best, and doesn’t like giving up – he’s a fighter in life; we all had to be to file that lawsuit against SM, but… He’s not always as confident as he wants to appear, especially when it comes to others’ feelings towards him. All of those years spent by his side had taught me that he needs reassurance every now and then. Ignoring or avoiding him is a sure way to hurt him. Deeply.

I still remember one such time when his insecurities got the worst of him, and it was because of that one and only person whom I deemed as incapable of being that insensitive. Not towards _hyung_ at least. But I guess blindness _is_ contagious after all.

I had just come out of the kitchen after helping the cooks for a bit, when I felt a sudden tug on my elbow. Without any words, Jaejoong-hyung dragged me into my small office at the restaurant. He didn’t seem very happy and I had a very good guess as to why.

“I see he hasn’t contacted you either.”

“No, he hasn’t! And I’d go to his house, but I want to give him space. I know he wants to finally spend some time only with his family and study composing, I don’t want to seem overbearing, but I haven’t heard his voice since the court hearing, and I…” he kept going on about how much he missed Yoochun and wanted to talk to him, but he wanted Yoochun to miss him _back!_ ; he was mumbling so fast that I didn’t even know whether it was still in Korean or some other language. A language our currently elusive friend would have most definitely understood.

“Just call him.”

He looked at me like I announced I was going back to SM. “What?! I can’t! Weren’t you listening to what I was saying?”

“Hyung. Just call him.”

“But I-”

“No but’s. Do you miss him?” The _are-you-stupid_ look he gave me was explicit enough. 

“Exactly. I see no other way, so call him,” I repeated once again. “You came here for that, didn’t you? For somebody to tell you to call him so you wouldn’t feel guilty or too needy or whatever else you’ve concocted in that over-active mind of yours.”

He was about to refute my words, but we both knew the truth. “I am right and you’re well aware of that. Call him. Right now. And put it on speaker.”

Pouting, hyung fumbled about taking out his phone and quickly pressing on the call button as if Yoochun’s number had already been selected for him to dial. 

_Obvious, thy name is Kim Jaejoong._

We could hear the beeps, but there was no answer. Hyung called a second time and still nothing.

“Well, where is he?!” he spoke impatiently, snapping his phone shut.

“I have no idea,” I retorted back. “I’m not his social secretary, and I remind you that hermit hasn’t called me in weeks either.”

Though I was a tad peeved myself, I regretted being at odds with hyung. He was having a hard time as it was. “Okay, look, let’s have some soju and we’ll try calling him later.”

His lips turned upwards a bit. “I thought you didn’t drink.”

“I won’t. I’ll have some orange juice and watch you kill your liver.” As apologetic as I felt towards said vital organ, tough situations required tough measures.

-

Halfway through his bottle, hyung received a message.

_Sorry, I was driving and the phone was at the back of the car. Where are you, anyway? I’m at your place, but you aren’t here. I’ve got soju and radish kimchi._

Almost chocking on the soju, hyung quickly got off his seat, gathered his stuff and, typing furiously on his phone, was out the door before I could even ask him to take me with him.

I’m usually not a jealous person, but I did feel left out. 

And I must confess it stung.

I was about to start cleaning the table, when hyung came back in like a storm. 

Grabbing me once again, he started dragging me towards the exit. “What are you doing? The taxi is waiting for us. Hurry up!”

“I thought you had already left,” I said, trying not to get myself killed on the stairs keeping up with him.

He turned back to me and gave me that half smile of his which hid so much warmth and affection – my favourite smile of them all. 

“I would never leave without my Su, haven’t I told you that before? Now hurry up!”

Isn’t it amazing how such simple words could make one feel completely and utterly loved? But that was Jaejoongie-hyung’s best talent. 

Still is.

#### 12 Dec 2009, “Smile again” Fan-meeting

They say we shouldn’t cry because it was over, but smile because it happened. The fan-meeting we were holding on that cold day of December was all about that – only smiles and no tears of hurt, though there had been plenty of that over the previous months.

Things with SM hadn’t got any better. We’d sometimes ask ourselves if they could get better at that point. The answer of course was _not bloody likely_. Plainly put, things were going downhill, on a very steep slope at that.

I remember the three of us had arrived at the venue together, went through the customary practice session after which we were able to eat some hot food. Having finished eating first ( _like always_ ) I got my make-up done first as well. What a blessing in disguise that turned out to be, seeing as Jaejoongie-hyung took ages to re-arrange his hair this and that way. Though Yoochun was supposed to be next and we were a bit behind schedule, he wasn’t complaining at all. In fact he seemed rather fixated on the vision hyung represented in the make-up chair. 

_Can they be any more obvious?_

It wasn’t enough that they pined after each other all the time, they didn’t even realise that they were doing it in plain view for all to see. It was okay with me and even our regular staff, but not people who could easily spread rumours. That was the last thing we needed on top of our current problems with SM.

I approached Yoochunnie snapping him out of his love-hungry gaze with an arm pinch.

“Ouch! What was that for?”

I raised an eyebrow at him but he chose to ignore it and gave a strained laugh. “Hyung surely takes longer than a girl to get ready. Even his mirror must be in love with him, huh?”

_Just like you are, you infuriatingly blind person._

However, I chose to keep my thoughts to myself; it wouldn’t do to stress him out right before our fan-meet.

“Yeah, that’s for sure. We should hurry up though. Manager hyung will get a stroke if he sees that you aren’t ready yet.” 

Nodding and obviously relieved that I seemingly bought his excuse, he went to the make-up table asking hyung to let him get ready as well. But once Jaejoong-hyung turned towards him with a bright smile, he fell into a daze once again.

 _This is hopeless._

I honestly loved the both of them to death and the past months had shown me just how much I feared losing them. Indeed, I wondered if one day they’d finally confess to each other and if that happened what would happen to our dynamics as a trio; where that would leave me.

_Let’s pray not as a solo artist._

I _needed_ them. I knew that much.

I found myself enjoying the fan-meet a lot, interacting with the fans and my members. It was especially pleasant when a big birthday cake was brought on stage, near the end of the event. Jaejoongie-hyung and Yoochunnie sang Happy Birthday to me with all of the audience and staff. 

It was then that the two of them said something that made me feel apologetic for the gloomy thoughts in my head. 

“In reality, it’s our Junsu who is taking it all too hard and where we get our strength from. He is like our leader,” they finished and I felt my eyes fill with unshed tears of gratitude and love. 

Even to this day I carry those words in my heart. Come rain or shine, I would overcome anything because they need me; because I am like their leader.

#### December 2012, My house

I found the past three years as some of the most challenging periods in my life. 

The lawsuit, the lies spread by our previous company, our first A-Nation performance as three and then another lawsuit against Avex, the countless court hearings and intermediations, unanswered calls and bitterness. We lost the support of those we used to call friends, we were DBSK no more, and we saw Yunho-hyung and Changminnie for the very last time. For a while there, we just completely closed off from the world. 

But then we wrote an album on our own, we toured the world; we were able to pursue the musicals and dramas _we_ wanted. So many tears fell, but there were also so many smiles and warmth and love. 

There was _freedom_. 

And just as things seemed to truly look up, we were completely brought down. When Mr Park passed away, a part of Yoochun died as well, and with it – a part of us. 

But _these_ are confessions of another kind.

I remember that Jaejoongie-hyung took Yoochun’s increasing reclusiveness the worst. I couldn’t even begin to understand at that time the weight of the burden he was carrying on his shoulders, all I could do was lend him mine. Hyung, however, wanted to completely erase the darkness that sipped into Yoochunnie’s life. Only if it were that easy.

It was snowing that morning when hyung practically burst into my house using the set of keys I gave the two of them. The previous night I had held my last ballad and orchestra concert, so I was blissfully enjoying some coffee watching the TV. At first I wanted to be annoyed with hyung, but as he sat on the sofa across from me, I noticed his red-rimmed eyes and I froze. His eyes seemed red from tears, not alcohol.

When he finally spoke, he sounded oddly detached.

“Yoochunnie and I went drinking after the awards last night.” 

I had already known that, seeing as they told me themselves, after I congratulated them in our Kakao group chat.

“We started drinking and we were talking about this and that and then I told him let’s play the King game like in the old times,” he said wistfully.

“We ended up kissing my horse lamp, the pillows, the sofa, you know what it’s like. Then the bottle pointed towards him. And I kissed him.”

He fell silent and I got more confused. 

“You kissed him loads of times before too, hyung. I mean it’s just a cheek kiss.”

His expression though told of another story. 

“You actually _kissed_ him? On the lips?”

He looked sheepishly at me, then lowered his gaze towards his knees and started playing with the threads hanging from his ripped jeans.

“Su-ah, I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop. My heart beats faster every time I see him or am near him. I don’t _want_ to stop it. During the car accident all those years ago, as we were approaching the tree closer and closer, all I thought about was that I’d never see him again, I’d never feel his hand holding mine again, I’d never hear him call my name again. I _knew_ I’d never be whole again. Not without him.

“I realised I was in love with him,” hyung finished barely breathing and then gave me a teary embarrassed smile. “You must be really shocked, aren’t you? Sorry, Junsu-yah, that I’m such a pathetic hyung.”

Sighing, I shook my head. “You know, hyung, I am not shocked at all."

“You aren’t?”

“Hyung, you always look at Yoochunnie like it’s the last time. You’ve done that for almost an entire decade. It’s only the both of you who are just so oblivious. I mean even _I_ noticed.”

“But it doesn’t matter now, does it? He responded at first but then he pushed me away and left. And he’s not wearing our ring anymore, he hasn’t for months now! I don’t know what to do. Every time I see him I just want to jump him and tell him that I love him and definitely not just like a friend. He inspires me to be better, better for myself and better for him, do you understand what I mean?

"Su-ah, this love might be one-sided, but I don’t want to lose him. I _can’t_ lose him. I truly love him.” 

_And I truly feel like smashing my head against this cup of coffee._

“Hyung, seriously? Your love is _not_ one-sided! That’s the thing.”

His sceptic look though showed that he didn’t believe me.

“Don’t you understand? He’s lost enough as it is, he doesn’t want to lose the band - _us_ \- too. And a relationship between the two of you could end up either as the best thing ever or as a complete catastrophe. You know how seriously he takes his responsibility towards his family, and him discarding that for a future with you is a very big risk. You play games like that with all of your friends. Kissing him like that was…” I trailed off shaking my head. 

“A mistake.”

“Yeah, a mistake. One you need to rectify. Just be honest about your feelings, hyung. Talk to him.”

“I doubt he would talk to me now. He’s still filming; I’ll end up being a bother for him. What should I do?”

I couldn’t count the categories of idiotic I was falling into.

“Just find another way of communication, hyung. Seriously, why am _I_ doing this?! Am I a same-sex dating guru? This is so not Christian of me.”

And for the first time that evening, hyung earnestly smiled, “ _I_ think helping your best friends is _very_ Christian of you.”

“Helping my best friends do WHAT exactly?”

_Sigh._

“But I guess it can’t be helped. God knows if I don’t help you, it’ll take you another six years to open up your hearts.

“The best way of communication with him is through your songs, hyung. Through your songs.”

Smile getting wider, he quickly plopped next to me on the sofa engulfing me in his arms. “Thank you, Junsu-yah. What would I do without you?”

_Drown yourself in soju most likely._

“Yeah, yeah, now you can go and write your songs, and in the meantime I’ll go to church and confess my sins. And grab some holy water. I’ll need loads of it.”

Hyung’s melodic laugh resounded through the living room like bells on Christmas.

_I’d also better pray that this idiotic couple survives. Heavens know, I won’t survive another band split._

-

A few weeks later, I received the demo copies of hyung’s first mini-album. I was really curious about the kind of rock he wanted to pursue. Out of all the songs, I liked _Mine_ the best; the message it gave was loud and clear. Not to mention all the other songs were dedicated to _another_ person. If _One Kiss_ and _Healing for Myself_ didn’t make Yoochunnie understand hyung’s heart, I didn’t know what would; hyung sounded about as subtle as a freight train.

Sometimes, though, the lack of subtlety was a good thing. 

The day the last episode of _Missing you_ aired, just before it began, I received a message from hyung on Kakao talk.

It was a photo of Yoochunnie holding a glass of soju. On his finger, there was a ring – a ring very similar to the one hyung wore.

I confess I don’t remember what that last episode was about, what I remember instead was the feeling of happiness I fell asleep with that night.

A feeling of happiness that had never left me, even up to this day.

#### March 2013, CJeS building

Performing at Tokyo Dome had always been a dream. As Tohoshinki, it was all about getting to the point in our careers when we’d be able to hold a concert there, as JYJ it was about returning to our dream stage and meeting our fans again. Just being able to sing for them was more than enough. Quite simple really.

Aside from Jaejoongie-hyung and Yoochunnie finally getting together, the year of 2013 was met with other great news, Tokyo Dome being one of them. Once we got the final confirmation, we started preparing straight away; after all, it had been a while since we had held a concert together. Co-ordinating issues arose all the time, but we let the management deal with that as we focused on the performance itself. 

And while I knew that the Soulmate couple had survived, what I didn’t know was how it _thrived_. I remember arriving early on the first day of rehearsals, greeting the dancers and straight away going into warming up. As I was talking with Gun Young-hyung about choreography and stage changes, both Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochun entered the rehearsal room and I couldn’t help taking a second look at them. 

The former looked like he was about to go on the runway, all sprinkled with fairy dust and sparkles, while the latter looked he had just got out of bed – and _not_ on his own. Yoochun was wearing some aesthetically challenging baggy training suit, yet his good mood definitely hinted at his own sparkle bath with hints of unicorn magic. 

Our lead choreographer threw me an amused look that just spelled _FINALLY_ before going to greet the duo. Having followed after him, I got a big hug courtesy of a giddy Jaejoongie-hyung. “So good to see you, Junsu-yah.”

I told him the same in response and then got a back pat from Yoochunnie.

“Yeah, good to see you, oh great guru of ours,” he chuckled. His voice inflexion on _guru_ made me redden up with mortification.

 _Does Jaejoong-hyung have to tell him absolutely_ everything _?_

The rehearsals went well despite the heavily breathing mess the duo had become in the process. Once we finished, I stayed behind for a bit, to finish discussing my _Fever_ choreo with Gun Young-hyung as the two of them stumbled out of the room leaning on each other. After we finished talking and I was about to leave, he threw me a knowing look.

“Well, I see there have been some serious developments, eh?” 

“You really don’t want to know, hyung.”

Still laughing, he nudged me teasingly going back to the dancers to continue their rehearsals.

I arrived at the dressing room afterwards to catch Yoochunnie staring intently at a naked Jaejoongie-hyung ready to take his shower. It was as if his eyes were a freaking compass and hyung’s (barely covered by a towel) junk – the magnetic north. 

“You are going to need a bib if you keep this up,” I muttered approaching him. 

Yoochun turned towards me and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“So here you are, oh magnanimous guru. I hear it is you whom I should thank for my as-of-late very active romantic life.”

“I really didn’t need to hear that. And you’re welcome. I accept gifts such as pet treats and football accessories.”

“I’ll have them delivered by tonight,” Yoochun patted my shoulder. “I’ll even add a new football get up for you.”

“That you do and please, ask hyung to choose them, or I’ll end up with clothes three times my size like you. By the way, I know they’re comfy and everything, but what’s up with that?” I pointed at his choice of apparel as he started getting ready for his own shower.

“Well, our dear guru, the uglier my clothes are, the more motivated Jaejoongie is to get me out of them,” he replied to me smugly. “It’s a sacrifice, really, but one I’m willing to make for such a noble cause.”

_Noble, my arse._

“Yeah, because it’s not like hyung needs even more motivation to get you out of them. In fact, from what I’ve seen, he got right to it first thing in the morning.”

“What can I say, he’s a man of many talents,” he smirked at me before quickly scampering away to the shower cubicle where I bet hyung was waiting.

Well, at least they weren’t oblivious anymore. 

_Just even more obvious. And plain stupid. I’ll be lucky if they don’t kiss on stage or something. Now_ that _would be a serious development._

-

Seeing as at the moment we are surrounded by thousands of fans, I am very glad that they’re far enough apart not to be able to kiss, because the look in their eyes definitely is hinting at a snogging fest. 

Well, that’s not exactly fair of me. Their gaze also tells a very long story full of ups and downs – a decade full of lingering touches, embraces, whispers, smiles and tears, all tightly intertwined with so much adoration, devotion and love. 

_And possessiveness. Let’s not forget possessiveness._

Yes, can’t forget the possessiveness both of them have got in spades. They have branded each other for life a long time before they themselves had realised it. An imprint not as apparent as a tattoo, but definitely durable. 

Everlasting.

Jaejoongie-hyung said once that Yoochun was like a puppy marking his territory; I disagree. Yoochun puts up a high-voltage electric fence instead, with a huge “stay the fuck away” warning sign and everything. Nobody is allowed to penetrate those walls, just like very few are allowed inside his heart. That is Yoochun. High walls and aspirations. 

Hyung in turn gives his affections freely, but never completely. Only few people, such as his family and his members, have ever got to know the full extent of his love. Jaejoongie-hyung is a free spirit who wants to chain the world to him, but never himself to the world.

As I keep looking at him and Yoochunnie, they both turn their gazes full of warmth and promises towards me, reminding me that I don’t need to enter their world. I’ve always been there to begin with. They had branded me too. A different kind of branding, but something that belongs only to them either way. 

And I must confess I quite like it this way.


End file.
